Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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