All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
