Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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