So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
