Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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