The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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