You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
