I cannot find my penis.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
