dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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