I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
