i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
