I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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