we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
