I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
