Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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