My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
