what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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