no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
