Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
