Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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