Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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