Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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