Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
