T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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