You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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