I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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