Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
