the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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