Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
