Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
