i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
