So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
