i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
