She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
