recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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