You just made me feel so damn special
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
