I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
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We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
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Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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