I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize