Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
