you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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