I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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