I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
