Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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