Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
