I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
