this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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