Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
