Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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