He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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