So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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