thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
