I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
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I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
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My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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