John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
