I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
